Why'd You Do Me Dirty, Billy Idol?

Maybe you were already hip and jaded about the whole sex deal at age five, but when I was that age I was pretty unprepared for the visual gauntlet that is "Cradle of Love" by Billy Idol. I could literally feel my ability to develop being stunted. What was this perfectly respectable lady doing dancing by herself? Why was the yuppie with a pretty decent collection of postmodern art so easily swayed to allow her to enter? I wouldn't have been too happy to have my bed unmade and then danced on. This was some unsafe business that I did not want to be a part of.

I remember every time it replayed, I desperately hoped that perhaps this time he wouldn't spill the wine on her blouse, avoiding the whole laundry situation. Makes you wonder what would have happened if things were different. Perhaps they would have had a nice chat about what was better: Dying Hard the first time or Dying Even Harder The Second Time. And then he would have made some pasta and it would have been a classy evening.

But to top off what had plenty of tops already, she crawls over to said yuppie while he is clearly going through some psychological trauma that need not be exacerbated. Talk about not giving a shit. This short sequence that I dub "The Moment Innocence Was Lost" has molded me over the years in ways that probably shouldn't be done to molds. Why was it necessary for her to crawl? I was genuinely concerned. I dreaded this moment, this floozy nuclear bomb. The video usually came on when the family was watching TV, so I can't say I was thrilled to be sexually confused while surrounded by adults. Eye contact was definitely avoided when respectable lady gets on all fours.

But I think the cherry on this terrifying ice cream came courtesy of Mr. idol himself. His uncomfortably liberal use of OW's, COME-ON's, and YEAHYEAHYEAHYEAHYEAHYEAH's really ruined me. There was no need for it. No fucking need. Why are you grinning at me when it clearly hurts to sing the damn song?

Possible explanations for the yuppie's anxiety:

He's gay.
She's his sister.
He just recently learned how to communicate in the English language.
She's a goy.
Billy Idol triggers uncontrollable seizures in his brain.
She suddenly speaks in a masculine voice when she says "No."
He's the Incredible Hulk.
His artwork has been hijacked by Billy Idol.
He just watched a really scary movie.
There's been a string of man-attacks in the neighborhood.
He doesn't like Chinese food on his floor.
He's surprised his cassette tape stereo works after many failed repairs.
A stranger's fucking dancing in his living room/bedroom and taking her clothes off.


Possible explanations for "Devon" to suddenly start dancing:

She's a floozy and/or devil sent to punish yuppies.
Dallas Cowboys cheerleader tryouts are just an hour away and she really needs to practice.
She does P.R. for Billy Idol.
She was promised a Klondike bar and/or leg warmers afterward.
She's casing the place.
Sorority pledge.
She's incredibly insensitive.
She ain't nobody's fool, come on.

Today, it's probably on my top ten best songs of the early 90s. Probably number 1 on the top-1-crawl-of-the-century list. Has it informed everything I perceive in the world? Unfortunately, probably, so thanks Billy, for doing me dirty from a hundred miles away. No reparations required.