Actual Correspondence, circa 1927

To: Chocolate
From: Peanut Butter

Hi, Chocolate, you don't know me, but I've been a big fan of you. I'm not allowed to leave Bread, but I've decided to let you know that I am going on the road to find you. People have been saying some very kind things about me, my talents and whatnot, and I think we could really work well together. We have a lot of things in common. We're both creamy, for one. But I have an edge, you know, that I think will compliment you very well. My friend Jelly thinks I got what it takes to make it outside the sandwich industry. Oh, boy, I'm just so excited I can hardly spread myself. Just imagining you and me in one delicious bite makes me super brittle. I look forward to meeting you. Sincerely, PB.


To: Peanut Butter
From: Fuck You

Hey, asshole, it's me, Chocolate. You think you're hot shit, huh, prick? Like your shit don't stink - well it stinks of peanut! I'm fuckin' good on everything, you're not - end of fucking story. You know how many of yous I get every week? All big shot new kids on the block thinkin' you're gonna fly off the shelves! Bullshit! I don't need you, I don't need anybody! I'm choco-fuckin'-late! Do you even understand how amazing I am? Does it look like I need you to spread yourself all over my mouthwatering self? Save it for that douchebag vanilla. You and him can both eat it together! I'm King Kong, motherfucker, I'm a chocolately beast! We ain't never gonna work together! I'm not into interracials, and may I remind you mixed relationships are against the law? You stay where you belong!


To: Chocolate, Peanut Butter
From: Nutrageous

You're both dicks.


(I'm 23-years-old and that wasn't even witty, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you.)