To Whom It Probably Doesn't Concern

Hello, globalization, how are you? You seem to be doing pretty, pretty good. So nice of you to leave in your wake an endless supply of poverty, which leads to crime and disease. Funny, because I don't seem to recall there being a demand for it.

Oh, and I know you're one of those tough guys who don't care what other people think or how you affect others, but lately you've been really pissing off THE EARTH, which, don't get me wrong, sucks 'cause we kinda depend on it to do shit and stuff. And you should really see an analyst for that, I think it might stem from insecurity.

But what can we do? You're attractive and have that charm about you that wins people over. Your way or the highway, right? You like to go on dates and just talk about your own importance, then leave the girl with the bill, which is cool if you're dating a feminist, but who can be sure. I wish I were you but without the self-centeredness, like without you, society would crumble. You ain't exactly John Mayer or Brody Jenner, all right? I mean you are so awesome that people can't get enough of you. It, like, makes them turn a blind eye to people dying from starvation and disease. Some people even go as far as to say that global warming isn't real, which is so awesomely delusional.

I know a guy who says, well, it's cyclical, every few thousand years this type of deal happens - so it's all koobideh. Which is a bit humorous, because I remember that usually when the HOT PERIODS came, animals and humans, like, died or something. Or at least had a pretty tough time, you know, migrating elsewhere and having to start civilization again. So it's great we're not doing anything right now, 'cause it's natural! Yay! We saved so much money! MORE MONEY TO OUTSOURCE JOBS, YAY! So weird that so many houses are being foreclosed right now, but that's probably natural, too. You know, the market, that completely conceptual, man-made deal.

Which isn't to say you're not smart. You are one brainy dude. You solved that whole, how-do-I-bring-the-poor-kids-in-China-some-tasty-chicken-McNuggets dilemma. You got the whole world numb and exhausted. You're spreading a mass lack of empathy like a douchebag handing out his demo tapes. And I can totally admire that kind of power. After all, you are the one who told me I had to use soap from Bolivia for my skin type. Or the best kind of exhaust pipe is Japanese, so whew, thank God you saved me from that little misstep!

So here's the deal, though. Like, we sorta kinda, I don't know, can't have you around anymore. Or you could just relax it a bit, that'd be nice. I mean, it was nice when terrorists used their religious beliefs to kill, but now it's sort of a shame that we know terrorism is a byproduct of you, you know, doing your thing. You took a lot of stuff from them. And they kinda want money, too. I mean, their leaders don't, like our leaders don't, but the people they recruit, like everyday people in our country, we kinda would rather not be knifed on the streets or starve to death. Don't deny it, dude, you had a pretty big hand in allowing Europeans and Americans to privatize other people's oil, you know, Iran, Iraq, all those joints. So there's that.

We need change. And since you're not really into that, you might wanna just pack up for a bit. I heard Fiji's nice all year round. Maybe a little more heated these days. Not that you didn't do any good, you did! It was fun while it lasted, but we want something better. Something that will help us retain the comforts we enjoy but do not harm others. Something that will give us more jobs but not harm the environment. You're still sexy, don't be sad.

So there's two types of changes. Change by force or change by shock. Force would mean, like, the government mandates stuff and the police enforces those laws type deal. You know: fantasy. Or it could mean social revolt, like, when our generation has the epiphany: "Oh, yeah, I think Halo 2 and jackhammerin' the gals have a smaller priority to billions of women living in poverty without water / with guns in their children's mouths / dicks in theirs / and their husbands hacked to pieces." And so they set down their PS3s and, you know, ACTIVELY REVOLT against the system. So that's force.

Well, since that seems unlikely at the moment, I'm gonna have to put my money on change by shock. I think Americans had enough shock when they tasted New Coke, so no thanks. Ain't good for anybody. That's like when MAJOR DISASTERS destroy places "that matter," like geographically wealthy type deal. And then, you know, the ones who aren't buried under steel and Starbucks and Wal-Marts, they'll probably demand a change, take up their civic, no, social, no HUMAN duty to make sure HUMAN BEINGS ARE ALIVE AND WELL. Your best bet is if the government gets to it first and spins the carnage for their own agenda. But if that happens again? Wow, I'm not gonna lie, I'm gonna be a little bit annoyed. (Interesting flashback: when New Coke came out, there was a major public revolt that forced Coca Cola to CHANGE)

I don't know, I'm just saying. We have the technology, but NO WILL. You've made it pretty darn hard for us to change people's minds, though Why don't you just admit the world is caving in? Create an entirely new job market, called the GREEN INDUSTRY, to combat global warming. An industry obviously needs HUMANS, so there might be a little less people killing for food and going to war over a plasma screen when, you know, they can be employed to supervise illegal dumpings, or operate solar and wind energy, and stuff like that, I don't know.

I could go on and on, but I may be wrong. I don't mean to be hard on you. It's not just you, it's a lot of others, too. And you're an okay guy once everyone else is out of the room and it's just you and me. You stop being fake and we, like, totally have a heart-to-heart. Like, seriously, more than most of the world is suffering right now. The rest are too busy trying to make ends meet.

So just, pretty please, do me a personal and calm the fuck down.

Andy

P.S. That soap works WONDERS on my face!