Why'd You Do Me Dirty, Billy Idol?

Maybe you were already hip and jaded about the whole sex deal at age five, but when I was that age I was pretty unprepared for the visual gauntlet that is "Cradle of Love" by Billy Idol. I could literally feel my ability to develop being stunted. What was this perfectly respectable lady doing dancing by herself? Why was the yuppie with a pretty decent collection of postmodern art so easily swayed to allow her to enter? I wouldn't have been too happy to have my bed unmade and then danced on. This was some unsafe business that I did not want to be a part of.

I remember every time it replayed, I desperately hoped that perhaps this time he wouldn't spill the wine on her blouse, avoiding the whole laundry situation. Makes you wonder what would have happened if things were different. Perhaps they would have had a nice chat about what was better: Dying Hard the first time or Dying Even Harder The Second Time. And then he would have made some pasta and it would have been a classy evening.

But to top off what had plenty of tops already, she crawls over to said yuppie while he is clearly going through some psychological trauma that need not be exacerbated. Talk about not giving a shit. This short sequence that I dub "The Moment Innocence Was Lost" has molded me over the years in ways that probably shouldn't be done to molds. Why was it necessary for her to crawl? I was genuinely concerned. I dreaded this moment, this floozy nuclear bomb. The video usually came on when the family was watching TV, so I can't say I was thrilled to be sexually confused while surrounded by adults. Eye contact was definitely avoided when respectable lady gets on all fours.

But I think the cherry on this terrifying ice cream came courtesy of Mr. idol himself. His uncomfortably liberal use of OW's, COME-ON's, and YEAHYEAHYEAHYEAHYEAHYEAH's really ruined me. There was no need for it. No fucking need. Why are you grinning at me when it clearly hurts to sing the damn song?

Possible explanations for the yuppie's anxiety:

He's gay.
She's his sister.
He just recently learned how to communicate in the English language.
She's a goy.
Billy Idol triggers uncontrollable seizures in his brain.
She suddenly speaks in a masculine voice when she says "No."
He's the Incredible Hulk.
His artwork has been hijacked by Billy Idol.
He just watched a really scary movie.
There's been a string of man-attacks in the neighborhood.
He doesn't like Chinese food on his floor.
He's surprised his cassette tape stereo works after many failed repairs.
A stranger's fucking dancing in his living room/bedroom and taking her clothes off.


Possible explanations for "Devon" to suddenly start dancing:

She's a floozy and/or devil sent to punish yuppies.
Dallas Cowboys cheerleader tryouts are just an hour away and she really needs to practice.
She does P.R. for Billy Idol.
She was promised a Klondike bar and/or leg warmers afterward.
She's casing the place.
Sorority pledge.
She's incredibly insensitive.
She ain't nobody's fool, come on.

Today, it's probably on my top ten best songs of the early 90s. Probably number 1 on the top-1-crawl-of-the-century list. Has it informed everything I perceive in the world? Unfortunately, probably, so thanks Billy, for doing me dirty from a hundred miles away. No reparations required.

we are better than this, but no better than before

i wrote about twenty pages
most days spent on researching and then drained of emotions
story about the 2nd sino-japanese war. mainly about various battles in China (shanghai, nanjing massacre) and american/soviet POWs who witness the biological experiments done at unit 731.

it's one of those events in history that must be retold. unfortunately, our general american public have no idea about it due to 1) historical erasure by japanese gov. 2) data burial by american gov. 3) and, unlike our jewish brothers and sisters, a general unwillingness of chinese to talk about it except to children and grandchildren, who move to america and worship zac efron and soulja boy.

there are a few books about it, which haven't reached very far, and b-status, horror/exploitative films past and present. but nothing serious and tailored for english-speaking audiences. the rape of nanjing and the biological/concentration camps in China are not merely important for the Chinese, it is arguably the fuse that exploded into WWII.

i predict, with a recent swell of interest of all things China, there will be a surge of serious films about all this. and of course, if more talented, passionate people begin to tell this story in bite-sized, easy to swallow US film tablets, i will most likely abandon it. because it's daunting. and my version is vastly fictional, although steeped in actual fact.

no matter. research the rape of nanjing and unit 731 yourself. and learn about it. understand why it's been so fervently ignored. the japanese/american connection. realize that under impossible situations, we find out we are all the same. the connection between chiang kai-shek, his wife and american politicians in the FDR era, nazi-defected alexander von falkenhausen and john rabe, a belgium woman, american missionaries and journalists, russian citizens of northern China, filipino boys and girls, etceteraetcetera.

its emotionally draining. this research after i studied up on various other things, like Iran before and after the Revolution, the My Lai massacre, the Armenian genocide, the bombing of dresden, etc. etc. etc. etc.

that the world just keeps repeating and repeating the same mistakes with different technology - means we, perhaps, don't deserve a second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth, ninth chance.

i don't know. when you know your history, you aren't surprised anymore. the past is only the future that's already happened.

back to our own, all-important, amazing lives now.

Mars And Right Here

"We basically have found what appears to be the requirements of the nutrients to support life, past, present or future," said Kounaves.

Scientists found elements in the soil that included magnesium, potassium and sodium. "There are probably other mineral species, we are still working on data," he said.

Kounaves said the analysis results are "one more piece of evidence that there were liquid water action at some point in the history of Mars."

"It's very similar to the soil analysis results we got from some dried places on Earth -- this is the very exciting part," Kounaves said.

And for my next birthday, I want my own BUILDING to play.

5.99 Are You Outta Your Mind?

The high gas prices could be a good thing. Since it's steady increase, Americans as a whole have driven a few billion miles less than on average. It's one of those "change by shock" things I was discussing earlier that hopefully will lead to, you know, things! Lower emissions and , like, force automobile companies to design more efficient cars and I can't really think right now.

Some other positive side effects:

You can't get to your job, so you lose that job, and you don't have to work.

You don't have to stress about the mortgage or electricity and water bills because you suddenly have no home.

You make more friends because generally people on busses and trains are pretty darn friendly.

Great excuse for not taking the time to plan a good date, great excuse to end friendships, too.

And other stuff, but I'm too tired to think right now.

Also, great band: APSE

Not Enough Courage Yet

I recently made a video of me watching Evan Almighty and laughing at all the wrong times. I thought it was pretty funny. But I also thought The Big Hit was hilarious. So.

It's pretty long for what it is. I think four minutes. That's a long time to be watching some guy laugh hysterically at an unfunny film. But its quality is just that, that cinema verite, neorealism feel to it. One take, no movement of the camera. It's like a Robert Bresson comedy, but even more spiritual.

So, really, what makes anything funny? If I show people a video of my friend Travis singing one of his favorite songs ("Clint Eastwood" - Gorillaz) in the car, would they think it's funny? Pretty much no. But I wouldn't stop laughing. Because he's German. Well, I wasn't going to get into a discourse on what comedy is, so let's just say it's Tragedy + Time - Logic x Something Funny.

Special thanks! to: the inventors of "you know," "I mean," "you know what I mean," and "pretty" as an adverb.

Musician Dan Deacon is a funny one.

Actual Correspondence, circa 1927

To: Chocolate
From: Peanut Butter

Hi, Chocolate, you don't know me, but I've been a big fan of you. I'm not allowed to leave Bread, but I've decided to let you know that I am going on the road to find you. People have been saying some very kind things about me, my talents and whatnot, and I think we could really work well together. We have a lot of things in common. We're both creamy, for one. But I have an edge, you know, that I think will compliment you very well. My friend Jelly thinks I got what it takes to make it outside the sandwich industry. Oh, boy, I'm just so excited I can hardly spread myself. Just imagining you and me in one delicious bite makes me super brittle. I look forward to meeting you. Sincerely, PB.


To: Peanut Butter
From: Fuck You

Hey, asshole, it's me, Chocolate. You think you're hot shit, huh, prick? Like your shit don't stink - well it stinks of peanut! I'm fuckin' good on everything, you're not - end of fucking story. You know how many of yous I get every week? All big shot new kids on the block thinkin' you're gonna fly off the shelves! Bullshit! I don't need you, I don't need anybody! I'm choco-fuckin'-late! Do you even understand how amazing I am? Does it look like I need you to spread yourself all over my mouthwatering self? Save it for that douchebag vanilla. You and him can both eat it together! I'm King Kong, motherfucker, I'm a chocolately beast! We ain't never gonna work together! I'm not into interracials, and may I remind you mixed relationships are against the law? You stay where you belong!


To: Chocolate, Peanut Butter
From: Nutrageous

You're both dicks.


(I'm 23-years-old and that wasn't even witty, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you.)

I'm Your Substitute For Today. Your Tenured Teacher Has Food Poisoning

In increasing frequency, the food processing habits for our insatiable world have churned out diseased products. Meats, vegetables, fruits - I didn't know cows could get athlete's foot. The Ebola's getting jealous of salmonella. "Bird flu ain't even on my level," salmonella says.

Also increasing: the amount of jellyfish in the oceans. It's doing what the Nile perch did in Lake Victoria: fuckin' up the spot! Putting other species on blast till all that's left is J-fish. Those damn jellies have cost the "industry" millions, and as scientists say, it's a sure sign that the world is getting a boo-boo. "Sana, sana, colita de rana," sings Mother Earth. "No deal," says Howie Mandel.

Simple solution: stop eating meats, vegetables, fruits - start eating JELLYFISH. I'm not vouching for the taste, but call it a Rhode Island Roll, and I'm opening up a sushi restaurant. WeHo here I come!

To Whom It Probably Doesn't Concern

Hello, globalization, how are you? You seem to be doing pretty, pretty good. So nice of you to leave in your wake an endless supply of poverty, which leads to crime and disease. Funny, because I don't seem to recall there being a demand for it.

Oh, and I know you're one of those tough guys who don't care what other people think or how you affect others, but lately you've been really pissing off THE EARTH, which, don't get me wrong, sucks 'cause we kinda depend on it to do shit and stuff. And you should really see an analyst for that, I think it might stem from insecurity.

But what can we do? You're attractive and have that charm about you that wins people over. Your way or the highway, right? You like to go on dates and just talk about your own importance, then leave the girl with the bill, which is cool if you're dating a feminist, but who can be sure. I wish I were you but without the self-centeredness, like without you, society would crumble. You ain't exactly John Mayer or Brody Jenner, all right? I mean you are so awesome that people can't get enough of you. It, like, makes them turn a blind eye to people dying from starvation and disease. Some people even go as far as to say that global warming isn't real, which is so awesomely delusional.

I know a guy who says, well, it's cyclical, every few thousand years this type of deal happens - so it's all koobideh. Which is a bit humorous, because I remember that usually when the HOT PERIODS came, animals and humans, like, died or something. Or at least had a pretty tough time, you know, migrating elsewhere and having to start civilization again. So it's great we're not doing anything right now, 'cause it's natural! Yay! We saved so much money! MORE MONEY TO OUTSOURCE JOBS, YAY! So weird that so many houses are being foreclosed right now, but that's probably natural, too. You know, the market, that completely conceptual, man-made deal.

Which isn't to say you're not smart. You are one brainy dude. You solved that whole, how-do-I-bring-the-poor-kids-in-China-some-tasty-chicken-McNuggets dilemma. You got the whole world numb and exhausted. You're spreading a mass lack of empathy like a douchebag handing out his demo tapes. And I can totally admire that kind of power. After all, you are the one who told me I had to use soap from Bolivia for my skin type. Or the best kind of exhaust pipe is Japanese, so whew, thank God you saved me from that little misstep!

So here's the deal, though. Like, we sorta kinda, I don't know, can't have you around anymore. Or you could just relax it a bit, that'd be nice. I mean, it was nice when terrorists used their religious beliefs to kill, but now it's sort of a shame that we know terrorism is a byproduct of you, you know, doing your thing. You took a lot of stuff from them. And they kinda want money, too. I mean, their leaders don't, like our leaders don't, but the people they recruit, like everyday people in our country, we kinda would rather not be knifed on the streets or starve to death. Don't deny it, dude, you had a pretty big hand in allowing Europeans and Americans to privatize other people's oil, you know, Iran, Iraq, all those joints. So there's that.

We need change. And since you're not really into that, you might wanna just pack up for a bit. I heard Fiji's nice all year round. Maybe a little more heated these days. Not that you didn't do any good, you did! It was fun while it lasted, but we want something better. Something that will help us retain the comforts we enjoy but do not harm others. Something that will give us more jobs but not harm the environment. You're still sexy, don't be sad.

So there's two types of changes. Change by force or change by shock. Force would mean, like, the government mandates stuff and the police enforces those laws type deal. You know: fantasy. Or it could mean social revolt, like, when our generation has the epiphany: "Oh, yeah, I think Halo 2 and jackhammerin' the gals have a smaller priority to billions of women living in poverty without water / with guns in their children's mouths / dicks in theirs / and their husbands hacked to pieces." And so they set down their PS3s and, you know, ACTIVELY REVOLT against the system. So that's force.

Well, since that seems unlikely at the moment, I'm gonna have to put my money on change by shock. I think Americans had enough shock when they tasted New Coke, so no thanks. Ain't good for anybody. That's like when MAJOR DISASTERS destroy places "that matter," like geographically wealthy type deal. And then, you know, the ones who aren't buried under steel and Starbucks and Wal-Marts, they'll probably demand a change, take up their civic, no, social, no HUMAN duty to make sure HUMAN BEINGS ARE ALIVE AND WELL. Your best bet is if the government gets to it first and spins the carnage for their own agenda. But if that happens again? Wow, I'm not gonna lie, I'm gonna be a little bit annoyed. (Interesting flashback: when New Coke came out, there was a major public revolt that forced Coca Cola to CHANGE)

I don't know, I'm just saying. We have the technology, but NO WILL. You've made it pretty darn hard for us to change people's minds, though Why don't you just admit the world is caving in? Create an entirely new job market, called the GREEN INDUSTRY, to combat global warming. An industry obviously needs HUMANS, so there might be a little less people killing for food and going to war over a plasma screen when, you know, they can be employed to supervise illegal dumpings, or operate solar and wind energy, and stuff like that, I don't know.

I could go on and on, but I may be wrong. I don't mean to be hard on you. It's not just you, it's a lot of others, too. And you're an okay guy once everyone else is out of the room and it's just you and me. You stop being fake and we, like, totally have a heart-to-heart. Like, seriously, more than most of the world is suffering right now. The rest are too busy trying to make ends meet.

So just, pretty please, do me a personal and calm the fuck down.

Andy

P.S. That soap works WONDERS on my face!

NOT new songs listened extensively this week for seemingly no reason

water curses - animal collective
hit the wall - brendan canning
cyoa - heartsrevolution
ill believe in anything - wolf parade
take it easy my brother charles - jorge ben
gozashteh - moein
babe im gonna leave you - led zeppelin
echoplex - nine inch nails
gobbledigook - sigur ros
vitamin c - can (one of my favorite songs of all time)

side note: taking a break from listening to radiohead non-stop since I was ten.
guilty pleasure deal - although I truly don't think coldplay are great songwriters, you have to admit The Scientist was one helluva single. probably everyone has cried at least half a time while that song was playing; or, more aptly, whenever you were crying the fuckin' song grew little legs, ran to a nearby television, or into your headphones, or onto your computer, and just played itself, like chris martin was hiding at every melancholic corner just waiting for you to lose your shit.

i remember laying under the table. having some major end-of-Dancer-In-The-Dark cryfest. or my friend travis at the end of watching A.I., which is another funny thing, because in all likelihood he and I are the only two who actually cried listening to The Scientist and watching Artificial Intelligence.

Which is why we're secretly in love.

But these days, The Scientist only makes me want to walk backwards to a car crash. It reminds Travis of the moment when he drove off to Arizona, turning around to look as I waved goodbye, further and further away, regretting applying to U of A - then putting foot to brake, running back toward me, as a smile creeps up on my face, and we stand there like gunslingers in the old West, and we wonder if bisexuality is in the mix, and this never happened although we both wish it did.

I want to be: Paul Thomas Anderson without the coke deal or Thom Yorke without the Creep deal.
I want the world to be: happy.

I fear for my life, just realized I'm paranoid (but no android), and miss my girlfriend.

Borscht files lawsuit against baba ganoush

No further information can be gathered at this time. However, sources claim that Beef Stroganoff is somehow involved. There was no mention of longtime associate Sour Cream during the time of publication.

NEW STUDY: Bee's Knees No Longer Considered The Best

by Andy Yeh

A survey conducted by The Cat's Meow found that 42% of the general population no longer use knees belonging to bees as a barometer for literal or hypothetical quality.

Last year, an independent, non-profit laboratory in Texas discovered that cow knees proved far superior, but many in the Human Knees Initiative doubt the validity of the study.

Many youths have also been actively rejecting the idea that bees even have knees. Octogenarians have since denounced this study, calling it "not the bee's knees."

A representative of Cat's Meow did not immediately offer a comment.

(additional reports from Pajamas)